Yesterday I was struck down by the lesser-known illness, Mumfluenza. Many people are familiar with the more common strain Manfluenza (Man Flu), but Mumfluenza (Mum Flu) is equally as rife.
As we approach the Mumfluenza season, here is a brief low-down for your records:
What Is Mum Flu?
Mum Flu (pseudo-medically called Mumfluenza) is a God-awful, temporarily life-limiting illness contracted by female parents.
How Are Man Flu And Mum Flu Different?
Believe it or not but Man Flu and Mum Flu are EXACTLY the same illness:
- stuffy nose
- cracking headache
- triple X shivers
- razor-bladed throat
- cottonwool ears
- Katy Perry-worthy hot and cold flushes
The only real difference is the propensity of the patient. In order to demonstrate this more clearly, I have done a quick comparative study of the manifestations, seen below.
How Is Mum Flu Spread?
It isn’t. Mum Flu has an unfaltering loyalty which prevents it from slaying anyone other than the initial host. There are no records of anyone else contracting Mum Flu as a result of being in close proximity of a sufferer.
Who Is Susceptible And When?
Any female parent who still has daily interactions with their spawn.
Mumfluenza is particularly fond of the start of the school year, just before a big event (wedding, girl’s night out, any long-term planned event FFS) or following extended periods of time in a child-infested location such as a party or soft-play area.
Annoyingly, any external symptom of Mum Flu is usually masked by existing conditions:
- Red nose disguised by the recently received head-butt from Toddler McSteelyHead
- Shivers and hot flushes usually attributed to the arrival of Aunt Flo or your crazy, post-baby hormones
- Tired eyes, with enough bags for a family of five to travel Europe for six months, have been a facial feature since you dropped your first born.
- Hoarse, raspy voice blamed on your continual need to yell ‘STOP SITTING ON YOUR BROTHER’S HEAD’
- Pained look and sluggish walk are already synonymous with motherhood; exacerbated by having boys and/or multiple kidlets.
None. The sufferer has no time, capacity or inclination to create complications, therefore she doesn’t.
Diagnosis by anyone but the female parent is impossible. There are no recorded cases of Mum Flu being diagnosed by man, doctor or child in the history of the world, ever.
In an ideal world, the female patient would follow the same treatment plan as their male counterpart (three days in bed, 16 hours of Netflix, five litres of guilt-free Lucozade, unwavering care and attention and all meal made and delivered on demand).
We are, however, not in an ideal world therefore the recommended treatment is WINE.
Wash all food down with out of date Lemsip (undoubtedly left over from the last bout of Man Flu to hit your household)
Ignore all food rules and let the kids eat whatever the hell they like until recovery
Netflix – for the kids (the sound of Fireman Sam on repeat is barely audible over the pounding of your own pulse in your head)
Eat every last piece of chocolate in the house (ensure this is done in secret so as not to excite the TV-hyped miniature humans in the front room)
I hope you have found this educational and informative. If so, please share with other female parents who may be susceptible to Mumfluenza.
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