As parents we have had pretentious, over-used parenting terminology thrust upon us for years; Helicopter parents, Tiger parenting, Laissez Faire… we do it, they name it! Personally, I don’t really give a flying chuff if some pseudo-psychoanalyst wants to categorise me into some bullshit pigeon hole; I’m dragging up my man cubs the best I can and adapt my “parenting style” accordingly at each turn!

Now, the other day in Lidl (oooh, fancy!) an old lady told the General to stop ‘making that horrible noise’ because it was ‘hurting her ears‘!! Ordinarily, I would want to kick Mme. Twatty McTwatface in the shins and tell her to wind it in, but on this occasion (and with my new positive persona in full flow) I was actually GRATEFUL for her assistance. You see, the General believes he has learnt to whistle. He cannot. He makes an unbearably shrill squeak that seems to resonate on a subhuman frequency for days on end. As I walked home (the General’s ‘whistling’ still ringing in my ears) I came up with the term Community Parenting to describe what had just happened. On a roll (and a long walk home) I wondered how many other modern parenting techniques I use regularly and was surprised I could think of several, very viable approaches!

Community Parenting: When someone, unrelated and unknown to you, parents your child. CP is a highly risky technique with drastically varying results.

Sharenting: When parents who share similar values extend their parenting to include others’ children. This is particularly useful in party situations or when winesumption has been augmented.

Vicarious Parenting: When you deploy a third party to parent on your behalf. Typically this can be a babysitter left with detailed instructions or even Daddy left in charge for a prolonged period of time unfamiliar to them (e.g. the school run, mum’s group, etc). Please note, this does not extend to Grandparents who are legally allowed to ignore all parenting requests and just feed them chocolate.

Grand Parenting: Not to be confused with Grandparenting (see above), Grand Parenting is usually reserved for public places and is a peacock-style demonstration of how good a parent you are. For example, Child A and Child B are on the cusp of an altercation about a toy digger. Instigate Grand Parenting via a loud, articulate explanation of the household sharing rules, followed by descriptive praise and superficial nonchalance. This can also be confused with pretentious smugness.

Prayerenting: This technique is saved for the most desperate, unavoidable situations and relies solely on the power of prayer to whichever governing body you subscribe to. That moment when you walk your toddler past a fat man and you whisper a silent “please don’t say anything…”; or when you have to take your whole tribe to your smear test and you offer your soul to the cosmo if they keep them away from the business end while the nurse introduces the metallic kookaburra to your lady garden.

Tele-parenting: This style is still at the beta phase, but I think I’m on to something! We’ve all had days where you just want to tell your mini humans where to go; but a fragment of parental decorum stops us. What if there was a service that could do that for you?!

Parent:   Hello, is this Tele-Parenting For The Parentally Insane?
Advisor: Yes it is, how may we be of assistance?
Parent:   My toddler is being a dick, won’t stop talking and keeps showing me
his bum. Please tell him to shut the **** up and leave me alone.
Advisor: Of course, madame. Please put the offending culprit on the phone
Toddler: Poo, poo, stinky bum, wobbly belly, spotty mummy, I love Daddy….
Advisor: [interrupts tirade of monotonous abuse] PISS OFF, LEAVE MUMMY
                ALONE AND STOP BEING A DICK
Toddler: Okay, sorry Mummy. I love you.. 
Advisor: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Parent:   Do you do alcohol?
Advisor: I’m afraid not.
Parent:   Then no, thank you.

*This is a fictional conversation and any similarities to real life toddler dicks people are purely coincidental*

If you find yourself employing any of these techniques, well done! You are officially a modern parent!

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UPDATE:

Weight:

• 15,250 ∴ [that’s a further loss of 8 Sickles and 18 Knuts!]

Mood:

• Still happy!

Achievements:

• Blogging mojo is gradually coming back – huzzah!

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