The MERLOT Party

As promised in my last post, today we take a look at our second alternative political party – the Mums Estranged from Real Life Outside Toddlerdom party.

Contrary to its name, the MERLOT party includes and represents the views of dads, guardians and the odd teacher or ten too. Their main aim is to assist in the rebalance of power in the homes of all toddler keepers.

Today, I interview myself (the friends list is still pretty short) to see what improvements the MERLOT party could bring to the UK.

Facetiming oneself is a skill
ME: Let’s get straight to it. What motivated you to start the MERLOT party?

ME: My house is bedlam, my personal belongings are trashed and my brain has been stripped of all usefulness only to be filled with unforgettable, utterly dire kids’ TV theme tunes, the cooking time of all breaded foods and flashing images of poo.

I struggled to believe that I was alone on this parental adventure, being oppressed by miniature dictators and called a poo head on a daily basis; so I decided to start the process of taking back some power.

Facetiming oneself is a skill
ME: I know the UK government has a few biggies on their ‘to do’ list but your challenge seems nigh on impossible. Where do you plan to start?

ME: That’s a good question. As with any major change, it is important to establish an infrastructure of support to ensure the changes can be appropriately negotiated and implemented. To that end, we encourage MERLOT focus groups; a safe place for MERLOT supporters to congregate, discuss their issues and share best practice models. MERLOT is good at facilitating open discussions.

Facetiming oneself is a skill
ME: Sounds like you have a busy few months ahead of you. How does MERLOT plan to tackle the most pertinent issues?

ME: As all MERLOT mums know, there are many ‘trip hazards’ in our overly politically correct world; so a lot of our campaigns will be subtly implemented to avoid a public backlash. Rather than solving these monstrous issues, MERLOT aims to help soften their effects. For example, MERLOT will be there after a day of tantrums, or particularly upsetting Code Brown episodes. MERLOT can and will offer the support or comfort that many parents so desperately need after long, draining days in Toddlerdom. Let me be clear, MERLOT primarily a coping mechanism rather than a solution.

Facetiming oneself is a skill
ME: If people want to become part of the MERLOT movement, how do they go about it?

ME: MERLOT promotes safety in numbers so find yourself a like-minded parent, set up a MERLOT focus group (these can be conducted in Toddlerdom but we suggest neutral meeting places are more facilitative) and talk. Members have reported significant reductions in stress immediately after MERLOT focus groups so regular MERLOT sessions are encouraged.

Facetiming oneself is a skill
ME: So to summarise, MERLOT is a facilitative movement, aimed at supporting parents ensconced in Toddlerdom. Where do I sign up?!

ME: Great summary! The MERLOT party would love to have you on board!

Coming up next: The Child-Hating Unattached Men Party has their say.



  • 15,006 ∴ [It’s only been a few days – give me a break]


  • Excited about an upcoming adventure


  • A successful trip to the supermarket with man cubs in tow.


4 thoughts on “The MERLOT Party

  1. Sarah LaFontaine says:

    Love it. Does Merlot offer a “no judging” policy because I need that right now lol. I really wish I could attend your group. If my lottery ticket is successful I’m on the next flight. Xx


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