As the General Election looms and certain key political figures are demonstratively missing from the stage; I have taken heed of the public backlash and completed my alternative political parties series as promised!
Today is the turn the Child-Hating Unattached Men Party, affectionately known as CHUMPs. This interview was a toughie because CHUMPs like to stay fairly anonymous and prefer to spread their message vicariously. Nevertheless, The British Maple dug deep and got to the bottom of their key policies and plans for the future post-election.
CHUMPs: A History*
The Party was formalised in early 2015 (around the time the Man Bun came to the forefront of men’s hairstyles) after decades of passive campaigning. Its founder was an anonymous gentleman from Cardiff, Wales whose social network included the likes of Roald Dahl and Ian Fleming (off of James Bond).
It is reported that many gentlemen’s clubs in the pre-war era were fronts for CHUMP conferences, providing alibis and anonymity to a large number of CHUMPs.
Little known fact: Roald Dahl took inspiration from the founder of CHUMP for his child-hating Chitty Chitty Bang Bang character Baron Bomburst *
The CHUMP’s halcyon dream is to create a child-free environment where CHUMPs can go about their daily routine without interruption. An exert from their manifesto details their proposals in very clear statements of intent:
- Children to be banned from ALL eating establishments not in possession of a newly introduced Child-Friendly Licence (obtainable at the discretion of CHUMPs)
- This ban will be extended to ‘temporary establishments’ such as food markets, Christmas fairs and entertainment events
- All children’s play areas to be relocated a minimum of 1km from designated adult zones [including but not limited to romantic settings, scenic places, pubs and sporting venues]
- International travel will be restricted to academic holidays only. Term time travel will incur CHUMP tax on all child tickets and designated children’s areas will be available in all aeroplane holds.
- Workplace discussion of children, parenting or family frivolity will incur severe penalties, as outlined in the CHUMP employment procedures.
- The employment of parents is at the discretion of CHUMPs
- Town centre curfews will be implemented: No access for under 18s during the weekend business hours of 10am – 5pm.
- In the essence of fairness, curfews will be lifted on days directly after big sporting events such as the Champion’s League Final, opening day of the Premiership and combative exchanges [MMA, Boxing, etc]
- School days will now begin at 7am and finish at 2pm to alleviate the pressure on rush hour traffic for CHUMPs
- Familial pressure to have children will be recategorised as domestic abuse.
CHUMPs are predominantly male (as per the party’s title) but anyone with a shared preference for a child-free existence is welcome.
Special dispensation has been made for members of the MERLOT party by way of a Social Membership. Social CHUMP Membership allows MERLOT party members to air their CHUMP tendencies in a safe environment without fear of retribution, judgement or social services intervention.
**Please note: any MERLOT Party defectors will be ostracised from said party but welcomed with open arms by CHUMPs**
*Entirely fictional facts
- 14,750 ∴ [entirely undeserved but I”ll happily take it]
- Even more excited about an upcoming adventure
- Happiness appears to be directly proportional to sunshine levels
- I have officially lost 10% of my body weight in eight weeks
- We survived half term!