Find Your Catalyst

At the end of my last few posts I have added a little personal update.  It’s all been rather tongue in cheek (which is very much my style) but I think it deserves a little more credit and its own post:

I’ll let you in on a little (badly kept) secret…I may appear gregarious and outgoing to many of you; but underneath the sarcasm and smiles, I am a panicky, lost little human (aren’t we all?)

Before you start to roll your eyes, this isn’t about to become a self-indulgent ‘woe is me’ tale of misunderstood personality! I just thought it was time to get serious for once and talk about something that I know effects a lot of peeps.

In times of stress or upheaval, people cope (or don’t cope) in many different ways – over-eating, under-eating, shutting down, over-sharing, the list goes on. For me, I was all about the overs… over-eating, over-analysing and over-sharing.

I’ll always remember a specific play group session during which I started telling a relative stranger the inner workings of my addled brain and she was visibly backing away from me! At that moment I realised I needed to calm the fuck down and stop. I was stood in a room full of lovely mums but I felt so isolated in my own little world.

It’s a feeling that I’m sure many other people can relate to, not just mums. It can happen when you’re out of your depth at work, or in a new social setting. For years I just stuck on a huge smile, wandered away under the pretence of having a phone call or another task to do. In reality, I was like a dog who’d had its paw stepped on. I was metaphorically  finding a corner to lick my wounds in.

A few months back, it got to the point where I’d stuck on so many false smiles that I’d almost forgotten who I really was. It sounds dramatic but again, I think we are all guilty of soldiering on waaaay past where we should’ve stopped and reached out.

So I did just that, I reached out. I admitted I was struggling (with pretty much everything!) and took control. As I mentioned back in May, [What A Difference A Month Makes…] something had to come first.

It is almost impossible to change everything all in one go (it’s fooking knackering too, I’ve tried and failed before!) so something had to come first. For me, it was my weight.

I wasn’t sharing a dress size with Jabber the Hutt but I was out of my comfort zone and spiralling. I’ll admit, the thought of joining a ‘fat club’ and becoming a slave to the scales sent shivers down my well-insulated spine. In reality, it gave me the push I needed to change my habits and treat myself how I deserved to be treated (and I’ve made some lovely new friends too).


Note to self: Must up my selfie game

In the last five months I’ve dropped three dress sizes, regained a shitload of confidence and, most importantly, become an all-round nicer human being to be with. All it took was to find my catalyst and ask for help.

And finally, a plea.  To all my friends, followers and anyone in between. If you are struggling please pick up the phone, open your laptop or knock on my door and tell me. It’ll be the toughest thing you do but it might well improve your life just a little bit x



3 thoughts on “Find Your Catalyst

  1. SARAH DIXON says:

    You’re amazing and we both know I’ve been there. Well said XOXO. Miss you to the moon and back. Floating in 12,000 lbs of salt would just feel strange with anyone else 😦 And for the record, your fake it till you make it smile is very convincing. I’d literally pay money to listen to the inner workings of your addled brain. That mother doesn’t realize the treasure she inadvertently backed away from. Signed your TO soul sista.

    Liked by 1 person

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