There are some pretty impressive lifestyle bloggers and Instagrammers out there. I follow several peeps whose lives in little squares look beautiful and amazing. Now, I know full well that they probably have a mahoosive cupboard full of shit and only 30% of their home is actually shown, but I am still in awe of them!

In contrast, here are ten reasons why I will never make it as a lifestyle blogger:

1. Because if my cleaning products aren’t in plain sight, then they don’t get used.

That’s not strictly true (I’m not a Scuzzy McScuzz Face) but if the shower spray isn’t within grabbing distance, the shower screen will have to wait until my cleaning rota tells me to do it.

2. Because this bitch takes too long to boil.

Yes she’s all pretty and shiny and coppery and basically the appliance version of Sienna Miller but I when I need a cuppa, I need it NOW.

3. Because my kids’ room usually looks like this.

When I see pictures of kids’ rooms looking immaculate and styled, I wonder three things:

1. Does that child even exist?
2. How many bribes does it take to keep it tidy, if only for the minute it takes to photograph?
3. How big is the cupboard where all the shit gets dumped?

4. Because our master bedroom looks more like the biggest room in a student house than a 4* hotel suite.

Minus the skanky carpet, Home Bargains curtains and Poundland fairy lights, our bedroom is a comfortable room where odd socks go to die. I openly admit that I am solely responsible for this due to my inordinate ability to see past piles of laundry (clean, of course) and regard a stack of receipts as ‘part of the furniture’

5. Because my kids play with plastic shit rather than wholesome wooden toys.

Yes, we have a cool wooden train track and a shedload of Lego, but we also have megaloads of the plastic, shitty detritus you get stuck to the front of magazines or free with kids’ meals from a certain popular eatery.

6. I chuffing love IKEA.

Yep. Can’t enough of the place. There is IKEA in every room of my house. If your name ain’t Swedish, you’re not coming in.

7. I don’t have a tripod.

Naively, I always assumed that awesome Instagrammers had a team of camera-toting tag-alongs, poised and ready to capture every candid moment. A pensive moment next to a nice stone wall? 📸 A beautiful red leaf which coordinates with a boutique ballet pump? 📸 How about that gazelle-leap across a cobbled road whilst your hair flows behind like a unicorn mane? 📸 Apparently, all these pictures are staged! I know, I too am blown away!!! And, wait for it…they use a tripod to capture themselves! If I had a tripod, I’d call her Anne and then give her the photo credit until someone found me out and publicly shamed me for having a tripod as a friend.

8. I don’t juice.

I am too big a fan of eating my food rather than drinking it. Apparently this excludes me from most lifestyle blog societies.

9. My front door is shit.

I plan to paint it blue. Then it will be a shit door that is blue.

10. Mr. British Maple loves a good fridge magnet.

Even if my fridge was a gorgeous Smeg number, it would be covered in novelty magnets, coupons and specially commissioned scribbles artwork.

Fancy some cool lifestyle bloggers to be envious of?  Check these out:

• The coolest of cool, Cara Suthers at Within These Walls
• The creative Jessica at House Homemade
• The plant-loving Dee at Dee Campling
  

  ---

If you can spare a few seconds, I would very much appreciate a vote for The British Maple in the Cotswold Blogger Awards in the Social Influence category.

Click the link below to vote:

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/post.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FCotswowldBloggerAwards%2Fposts%2F1901377126843252&width=500

Thank you x

Linked up with: