Introducing The CHUMPs

As the General Election looms and certain key political figures are demonstratively missing from the stage; I have taken heed of the public backlash and completed my alternative political parties series as promised!

Today is the turn the Child-Hating Unattached Men Party, affectionately known as CHUMPs. This interview was a toughie because CHUMPs like to stay fairly anonymous and prefer to spread their message vicariously. Nevertheless, The British Maple dug deep and got to the bottom of their key policies and plans for the future post-election.

CHUMPs: A History*

The Party was formalised in early 2015 (around the time the Man Bun came to the forefront of men’s hairstyles) after decades of passive campaigning. Its founder was an anonymous gentleman from Cardiff, Wales whose social network included the likes of Roald Dahl and Ian Fleming (off of James Bond).

Nailed it...

Nailed it.

It is reported that many gentlemen’s clubs in the pre-war era were fronts for CHUMP conferences, providing alibis and anonymity to a large number of CHUMPs.

Little known fact: Roald Dahl took inspiration from the founder of CHUMP for his child-hating Chitty Chitty Bang Bang character Baron Bomburst *


Baron Bomburst of Vulgaria

CHUMPs Objectives:

The CHUMP’s halcyon dream is to create a child-free environment where CHUMPs can go about their daily routine without interruption. An exert from their manifesto details their proposals in very clear statements of intent:

  • Children to be banned from ALL eating establishments not in possession of a newly introduced Child-Friendly Licence (obtainable at the discretion of CHUMPs)
    • This ban will be extended to ‘temporary establishments’ such as food markets, Christmas fairs and entertainment events
  • All children’s play areas to be relocated a minimum of 1km from designated adult zones [including but not limited to romantic settings, scenic places, pubs and sporting venues]
  • International travel will be restricted to academic holidays only. Term time travel will incur CHUMP tax on all child tickets and designated children’s areas will be available in all aeroplane holds.
  • Workplace discussion of children, parenting or family frivolity will incur severe penalties, as outlined in the CHUMP employment procedures.
    • The employment of parents is at the discretion of CHUMPs
  • Town centre curfews will be implemented: No access for under 18s during the weekend business hours of 10am – 5pm.
    • In the essence of fairness, curfews will be lifted on days directly after big sporting events such as the Champion’s League Final, opening day of the Premiership and combative exchanges [MMA, Boxing, etc]
  • School days will now begin at 7am and finish at 2pm to alleviate the pressure on rush hour traffic for CHUMPs
  • Familial pressure to have children will be recategorised as domestic abuse.

No Children Allowed

CHUMP Membership

CHUMPs are predominantly male (as per the party’s title) but anyone with a shared preference for a child-free existence is welcome.

Special dispensation has been made for members of the MERLOT party by way of a Social Membership. Social CHUMP Membership allows MERLOT party members to air their CHUMP tendencies in a safe environment without fear of retribution, judgement or social services intervention.

**Please note: any MERLOT Party defectors will be ostracised from said party but welcomed with open arms by CHUMPs**

*Entirely fictional facts



  • 14,750 ∴ [entirely undeserved but I”ll happily take it]


  • Even more excited about an upcoming adventure
  • Happiness appears to be directly proportional to sunshine levels


  • I have officially lost 10% of my body weight in eight weeks
  • We survived half term!

The MERLOT Party

As promised in my last post, today we take a look at our second alternative political party – the Mums Estranged from Real Life Outside Toddlerdom party.

Contrary to its name, the MERLOT party includes and represents the views of dads, guardians and the odd teacher or ten too. Their main aim is to assist in the rebalance of power in the homes of all toddler keepers.

Today, I interview myself (the friends list is still pretty short) to see what improvements the MERLOT party could bring to the UK. Continue reading

The Toddler Party Manifesto

I don’t like to get political on The British Maple (mostly because it makes me cross and I hate arguments!) but with the UK general election looming, I thought it was high time to bring some high brow discussion to the table.

I’m not overly enamoured with any of my political options this time round (are we ever?!) so I turned to the Lord and the General for an alternative. After all, if a blithering, swollen headed womb ferret with a bad case of verbal diarrhoea can ‘run’ one of the world’s largest countries, surely a couple of gobby toddlers can make a go of it too?! Continue reading

Man Cub Pile On

Modern Day Parenting Techniques

As parents we have had pretentious, over-used parenting terminology thrust upon us for years; Helicopter parents, Tiger parenting, Laissez Faire… we do it, they name it! Personally, I don’t really give a flying chuff if some pseudo-psychoanalyst wants to categorise me into some bullshit pigeon hole; I’m dragging up my man cubs the best I can and adapt my “parenting style” accordingly at each turn! Continue reading

No Mum’s Land

Since moving back to the UK, I have been in a bit of a rut. No motivation to do anything but having far too much to be getting on with. You know, all that mundane life admin that piles up to create a sea of monotony and soul-destroying tedium?! I’ve found it pretty tough leaving my Tdot Mama Tribe (and the year-round blue skies) so it’s been a lonely few months of settling down, doing up the house and trying to make friends. Continue reading

The Pocket Money Conundrum

Let me start by saying that today has NOT worked out as I had planned. It’s Tuesday which is officially my day off as both the Lord and the General are usually at school. Unfortunately, the winter bug has finally found our house and floored the both of them.

So, I have cancelled my plans to ‘do lunch’ and instead have endured hours of seemingly endless episodes of twatty pigs, thick as pigshit dogs in uniform and talking cars. Continue reading

Let’s Talk About Boobies Again

Amidst the chaos that has been our life for the past few months, a very significant change has happened.  I’m not sure when, exactly, it happened, nor do I know exactly how; but I have rather mixed feelings about it. I have gone from being a seasoned tandem nurser to a no-milk mama. I am thrilled to have my body back but there is another emotion I haven’t quite managed to put my finger on yet. Continue reading

Home Sweet Home Series: The Journey Begins

It’s taken far too long to publish this post and for that, I apologise. My entire existence during the last six months has been an intricate balancing act of keeping my kids alive, maintaining my sanity and trying to make our new house habitable as our new home.

77 days ago we exchanged on our new house and yet, we only moved in a couple of weeks ago; but I FINALLY have the space and and solitude (bwaaahahaha) to focus on something other than keeping the kids’ toys in check (this factor will inevitably play a role; but it will be MY house and if I decide that a cuppa takes priority then stuff it!!!) Continue reading