The Day A Monster Came To Tea

Once upon a time, a well-meaning school held a charity bring and buy sale. The teachers embraced the enthusiasm of the school council and with gay abandon (and clearly no disease control) left them to their own devices.

On the day of the sale, our offspring sprang into school, pound coins clutched in their sweaty, questionably clean hands and the parental contingent wandered off to work, blissfully unaware of what was about to unfold.

Around lunchtime, working parents across the town innocently popped onto social media whilst enjoying a quiet, childfree sandwich and what greeted them created a wave of horror so great it was tangible.

Piles of pre-infected, crumb-infested kiddie-crack, disguised as soft toys adorned table after table. Sure, there were anti-bacable books, dvds and plastic shit too; but you know your kleptomaniac, germ-magnet isn’t going to choose something that can disappear into the ether after a couple of weeks. No, all we could do was wait and hope it wasn’t our sprog who picked the gargantuan cave-headed teddy (someone, somewhere was cackling into a flat white, safe in the knowledge that this humongous ball of polyester was no longer their charge).

As 3:10pm approached, the school yard was amass with the frisson of  parental nerves. As the first babes bounded out, sighs of relief were palpable when across the playground as exonerated families headed home, leaving the rest of us to cope with the rising fear.  It’s a numbers game, you see; the more that leave unscathed, the higher the chances it could be you.

Having two small humans to collect, I took a chance and opted for the younger. The General’s penchants tended more towards plastic crap so I considered him a safer bet. As  the top of his head appeared over the classroom fence, his gait was unhindered by a feck-off huge teddy and I began to breathe easy for the first time in hours…that is until I saw the Monster. Clutched to his heart like a lost sibling was a lump of matted blue fluff with gangly limbs and a face that taunted me from afar. The smile on the General’s face was like nothing I’d seen before and it took all I had to muster up any form of positive adjective.

Infested Cookie Monster

Throngs of parents stifled their sniggers and smugly guided their little ones away, as I went through the motions of collecting man cub #1 and his innocuous fluffy duck purchase. The walk home was a blur and once we were safely ensconced in the camp (boys snacked up in front of the TV) I surveyed the damage.

Would booze help?

Boozy Monster

Could I clean it?

Scrubby Monster

Should I burn it?

Flammable Monster

It is kinder to just end it all?

Goodby cruel world

No. I did the only thing I could when faced with such a dilemma. I boiled him (almost!)

The fact the matted fur looked slightly brighter and he smelt of laundry rather than abandonment began to calm me. The monster was now allowed out of quarantine and into the inner sanctum of  our home – the bedroom.

UPDATE: I’d planned to post this several weeks ago but ironically a real life infestation has taken up much of my brain space of late. It’s been a few months since this all happened and I happy to report the Monster is now a fully fledged member of our family and still the best thing to happen to the General in recent times.

Monster Cuddles

Stay home, stay safe peeps.


Never Judge My Book By Its Cover

We are all guilty of making snap judgements of people we meet, it’s human nature. Whether our bias is conscious or unconscious we are all susceptible to it; but it’s how we process the bias that truly defines us. If our immediate impression influences too heavily our subsequent actions then aren’t we effectively shackling our own experiences? Consider how much we would miss out on if we only ever did what was inherently comfortable?

Continue reading

Read My Lips

Those that know me off-screen (that sounds a bit swish!) know that I have, in recent months, developed a noticeable penchant for lipstick. What started out as a desperate attempt to distract from the haggard mum bags I carried under my eyes on really crap days, has slowly developed into a daily habit. Lipstick makes me feel confident but I had to get over the self-consciousness first. Drawing attention to any one part of myself didn’t sit well with me (regardless of how sanguine I come across!) but I am so glad I persevered. Continue reading

** RESET **

It’s what we all do, right? December arrives, the mince pies come out and we are obligated to cram in as many social engagements as is humanly (and financially) possible, attend 83 school activities, buy shedloads of shit to give to others, emotionally bash ourselves for not giving enough to charity, panic at work that anything not put in motion before Christmas won’t happen in the new year and then we:

<< STOP >>

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Hey, Whatcha Doing?

Where do I start?! Consider this the “oh sorry, I totally meant to send that to someone else. But…while I’m here, how have you been?” of posts. (Don’t pretend you’ve never accidentally [on purpose] sent a text to the wrong person in the hope that it’ll start a dialogue from which you can glean a sliver of flirtation/attention/gossip!)

In other words, I don’t really have much fodder to bang out a proper post (actually, I probably do but it been so fooking hot and life has been so fooking dingue that I can barely drink tepid water without sweating). Continue reading

Carrot Sticks Are The Beginning Of The End…

It’s been a while you lovely bunch of bloggettes! How have you all been?! I will break away from my usual mantra and do a self-indulgent update post in the coming weeks (if only to make sense of the bat-shit craziness of life at the moment!) but right now, we need to talk about carrot sticks and other first world things that really piss me off! Continue reading

I’m Too Busy…

Ever wondered why kids have no concept of time? Could it be because every time we say things like “with you in two minutes, darling” or “just a second, sweetie” it is a complete and utter lie?! I find myself spouting lies like this on a daily basis (when has ANYTHING ever taken just two minutes?!)

Everyone I speak to these days is running to keep up with life. Continue reading

Man, I Feel Like A Woman!


This is a post I’ve wanted to write for quite some time, so here it is. I usually avoid controversial topics on here because I am rubbish at standing up for myself and my skin is as thick as a Tesco Value tissue. That being said, I consider myself a strong person. I am fiercely independent, [vaguely] intelligent and never satisfied with just watching life.

I am also incredibly proud to be a womanContinue reading

O Canada…I’m Still In Love With Thee

Given my strapline is Brit mama with Canadian tendencies, I felt it was high time to talk about the Great White North again. I may not refer to her much, but Canada is a huge part of who I am. The Lord and the General are both Canadian and I made some of my best friends out there.

Becoming an expat can be a rollercoaster of emotions – scary, exciting, lonely, challenging; but there are some fantastic resources to tap into and the adrenaline of the adventure can carry you a long way. When you return home however, there is very little to help you readjust. The adventure of an ex-expat is equally as turbulent.  Continue reading